Hello, My Name Is
by SparklesAreMyLife
Summary: Lord of the Rings parodies of Inigo Montoya's famous line from the Princess Bride! ... Prepare to die!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N - Hi everyone! Below are a few parodies of Inigo Montoya's famous line, ****_"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."_**** Just a little something that popped into my mind while watching the movies! **

**Disclaimer - I do not own Lord of the Rings or the Princess Bride.**

Hello. My name is Legolas Thranduilion.

You touched my hair.

Prepare to die.

Hello. My name is Gimli, son of Gloin.

You are an elf.

Prepare to die.

Hello. My name is Gandalf the Grey.

You tried to pass.

Prepare to die.

Hello. My name is Haldir of Lothlorien.

You breathe too loudly.

Prepare to die.

**A/N - Reviews will make my life amazing. So please review. I will take any requests for more parodies.**

**Also, even if you think this chapter is stupid, please keep reading, they do get better as it goes on!**

**REVIEW PLEASE! It will absolutely make my day! It takes barely any time or effort from you, but it will make me so happy! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N - Hi again! Here are a few more parodies! Hope you like them! Don't forget to ask if you want me to do one for a certain character! I will re-do characters as more ideas come to my mind. If you have a good idea for one, please let me know!**

**Disclaimer - I don't own Lord of the Rings (sadly), or the Princess Bride. **

_(to orcs)_

Hello. My name is Boromir of Gondor.

That was only two arrows.

Prepare to die.

Hello. My name is Peregrin Took.

You took my Longbottom Leaf.

Prepare to die.

Hello. Our names is Gollum.

You took my preciouss.

Prepares to die!

_(to Pippin)_

Hello. My name is Meriadoc Brandybuck.

You are taller than me.

Prepare to die.

**A/N - Please review! I really would like to know what you think and whether or not I should continue! Review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N - Thanks so much to all who reviewed! You guys really inspired me to keep writing! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the Princess Bride. **

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Hello. My name is the Witch King of Angmar.

You are a living man.

Prepare to die.

_(to Gollum)_

Hello. My name is Frodo Baggins.

I really liked that finger.

Prepare to die.

Hello. My name is Denethor, Steward of Gondor.

You remind me of Faramir.

Prepare to die.

_(to orcs at Helm's Deep)_

Hello. My name is Gimli.

That pointy-eared elvish princeling is beating me.

Prepare to die.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N - Please keep reviewing! It really helps me to continue this story! Let me know if you want me to do a certain character! REVIEW!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N - Thanks so much to all who reviewed! You really make me want to continue! Here are some more! I hope you like this chapter, because it's probably my favorite so far!**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Hello. My name is Eowyn.

Yeah, that's right! I'm a woman! Got a problem with that?

Prepare to die.

_(to Frodo)_

Hello. My name is Galadriel.

I am an all powerful elf queen! You are only an unimportant Halfling! I deserve the Ring! Not you! Me!

Prepare to die!

_(to Eowyn)_

Hello. My name is Arwen.

Hands off, girl! Aragorn is ALL MINE. You hear! WHAT?! You tried to make him fall in love with you?!

Prepare to DIE!

_(to Aragorn)_

Hello. My name is Elrond.

You're in love with my daughter?! And what's this I hear about a marriage?! Uh uh. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

Prepare to die!

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N - Hehe :) Protective daddy Elrond! **

**Don't forget to let me know if there's a character you want me to do!**

**Please review. Your reviews give me the inspiration to keep writing this! REVIEW!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N - Shoutout to all reviewers! Thanks so much! Also, shoutout to Nirette and LOTR-HP-PJ for the ideas!**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

_(to Sauron)_

Hello. I don't remember my name, so I'll go by Nazgul #5.

You turned me into a see-through wraith! And made me ride a creepy dragon beast thing! How dare you?

Prepare to die!

_(to Gollum)_

Hello. My name is Sam.

What?! You don't know what potatoes are?

Prepare to die.

_(to Arwen)_

Hello. My name is Glorfindel.

You stole my role! I saved Frodo! Me! Not you! Who do you think you are?

Prepare to die!

_(to the King of the Undead)_

Hello. My name is Aragorn.

What do you mean, you won't fight for me? You have to!

Prepare to die! ... Oh wait, that doesn't really work... Nevermind..

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N - Please keep reviewing! The more reviews I get, the faster I'll update! If you like this story, please tell me! REVIEW!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N - Yay! Another chapter! Thank you all for reviewing, you're making me realize there are more characters than I thought there were! :)**

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Lord of the Rings or the Princess Bride.**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Hello. My name is Treebeard.

You are too hasty.

Prepare to die!

_(to Grima)_

Hello. My name is Eomer.

You stalked my sister! Well, no more!

Prepare to die!

_(to Gandalf, during the fight scene at Orthanc)_

Hello. My name is Saruman.

Why don't we be friends? WHAT? You broke one of my perfectly manicured nails?!

Prepare to DIE!

_(the Uruk-Hai who shot Boromir 3 times; to Boromir)_

Hello. My name is Grishnak.

You are my enemy.

Prepare to die.

_(shoots one arrow)_

Ugh. Not dead yet.

Hello. My name is Grishnak.

You are my enemy.

Prepare to die!

_(shoots another arrow)_

Seriously? You are ruining the dramatic effect! Why don't you just DIE ALREADY?!

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N - Hehehe :) The Uruk-Hai one is now my favorite! Please review! A review will absolutely make my day, and I am more likely to keep updating if you review more! Also, I really want to do Faramir, but I can't come up with any ideas for him! It's like nothing bothers him! Anyways, REVIEW!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N - Hey guys! Here's another chapter for you! Thanks to all who contributed ideas and suggestions! Special shoutouts to LalaithElerrina and fantasychica37! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the Princess Bride. *sigh***

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

_(to Denethor)_

Hello. My name is Faramir.

Seriously? You tried to BURN ME ALIVE?! And I thought you were at least slightly sane. Guess not!

Prepare to DIE! .. Oh wait .. You already did die... Well, YOU DESERVED IT!

_(to Isildur)_

Hello. My name is Sauron.

You cut off my finger! And you took my ring! Oh.. My wife is going to kill me... AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

Prepare to die!

_(to Corsairs)_

Hello. My name is the Undead King.

You can't kill me... But I can still kill you!

Prepare to die!

_(to Oliphaunt)_

Hello. My name is Legolas.

I'm going to take you down! And still look amazing while doing so!

Prepare to die!

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N - Please do keep reviewing! It makes me so happy! If you read this and you liked it, tell me! I am always open to suggestions! REVIEW PLEASE!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N - Thanks again to all those who reviewed! Special shoutouts to those who submitted ideas!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or the Princess Bride.**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

_(to Faramir)_

Hello. My name is Eomer.

So. I see you and my sister are planning on getting married. Well, I have a few things to say to you about it. IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT HURTING HER IN ANY WAY, YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH! I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN, RIP YOUR INNARDS OUT, AND HANG THEM UP IN A TREE FOR THE CROWS AND VULTURES TO FEED UPON! In fact, let's just eliminate the possibility of you ever hurting her right now!

PREPARE TO DIE!

_(to Peter Jackson)_

Hello. My name is Tom Bombadil.

Um, excuse me? I totally saved Frodo's life back there! And do I get any credit for it? NO! Seriously! I'm so powerful, that ring doesn't even affect me! And you leave me out of the entire set of movies!

Prepare to die!

_(to Aragorn)_

Hello. My name is Theoden.

I can run my own lands, thank you very much! YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A KINGDOM YET!

Prepare to DIE!

_(to Elrond)_

Hello. My name is Thranduil.

What were you thinking, sending my son on that death mission to Mount Doom? HE COULD HAVE DIED, FOR GOODNESS SAKE! Do you have any brains?!

Prepare to die!

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N - Wow O.o Eomer is pretty dang overprotective! Better stay on his good side! ;)**

**Thank you all for reading! Please leave a review to tell me what you thought or give me a few suggestions on who to do next! Please just take a minute or so out of your busy lives and review! :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N - Yay! 50 reviews! I love you guys so much! Thank you! Shoutouts to you all, especially those of you who gave suggestions! You really helped! Here's another chapter!**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

_(to Frodo)_

Hello. My name is Shelob.

All I ever get to feed on is nasty orcses! Live in the tunnel, they said. Great place, they said. Lots of juicy food and fresh meat, they said. WELL, _THEY LIED_! And that makes me sad, because I LOVE fresh meat! Hold on a second... Wait... Could it be true? Do my multiple eyes deceive me? No! It is true! _YOU'RE_ FRESH MEAT! YESS!

Prepare to die!

_(to The Mouth of Sauron)_

Hello. My name is Aragorn.

First off, you think I don't have the authority to "treat with you", FYI, I'm the future King of Gondor! Of _course_ I can speak to mindless scum like you! Second, you possibly killed Frodo, and third, BY THE VALAR, YOUR BREATH IS _TERRIBLE!_ I CAN'T STAND IT ANY LONGER!

PREPARE TO DIE!

**Hello. My name is Elladan.** _And my name is Elrohir. _

**Get it in your heads! I'm Elladan!** _And I'm Elrohir! Not the other way around!_! **WHAT? Did I just hear you call ME Elrohir?** _Impossible! He looks NOTHING LIKE ME!_

_**PREPARE TO DIE!**_

_(to Aragorn)_

Hello. My name is Pippin.

What do you mean, you've never heard of second breakfast? WHAT?! You haven't even heard of _ELEVENSIES? _

Prepare to DIE!

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N - Please please please keep reviewing! I love to hear your feedback, and the faster and more often you review, the faster and more often I update! Suggestions and requests also help tremendously in giving me ideas! PLEASE REVIEW! It takes less than a minute for you but it makes my day amazing! Thanks!**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N - Thank you to all who reviewed and gave suggestions! I love you all!**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

_(to Faramir)_

Hello. My name is Denethor.

I hate you.

Prepare to die.

_(to Gandalf)_

Hello. I am the Balrog.

No one can kill me.

Prepare to die.

_(Gandalf breaks the bridge)_

NOOOOO! HOW DARE YOU?

*Ahem* Let's try this again, shall we?

Hello. I am the Balrog.

You tried to kill me! If I have to die, then I'm taking you down with me!

Prepare to DIE!

_(to Aragorn)_

Hello. My name is Arwen.

You broke my necklace.

Prepare to die.

_(to Merry and Pippin)_

Hello. My name is Gimli.

Of all the inconsiderate things to do, this is the absolute worst! YOU ATE SALTED PORK... WITHOUT ME!

PREPARE TO DIE!

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N - Alright guys. So, I was wondering, do you like the shorter, more to the point versions of these, or do you prefer the longer ones, with more angry ranting? I think that I will try to do a mixture of them, like in this chapter, with 2 of them being longer and 2 of them being shorter, but I would really like to have your opinion on what to do! Please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N - Thank you to all who gave me your opinion and reviewed! I think that I will continue to do a mixture of the two lengths, as I do like the way that shorter ones have more impact, but I also think that the idea of the characters having angry rants is hilarious :)**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

_(to Pippin)_

Hello. My name is Gandalf.

Fool of a Took!

Prepare to DIE!

_(to Legolas)_

Hello. My name is Aragorn.

Of course I look terrible! But that doesn't give you the right to tell me that! Just because your hair is perfect 24/7 and your complexion is absolutely flawless all the time does not mean you are better than me!

Prepare to die!

_(to the Ring)_

Hello. My name is Gimli.

You broke my axe.

PREPARE TO DIE!

_(to Elrohir and Elladan) _

Hello. My name is Elrond.

Why is my hair PURPLE?! And what did you do to my poor precious library? Oh. No. You. Didn't. YOU SHAVED OFF MY PERFECTLY SCULPTED EYEBROWS?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG

IT TOOK TO GET THOSE RIGHT?

PREPARE TO DIE!

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N - Did anyone else notice that after Gimli broke his axe on the ring, another axe just magically appeared next to him? And I also don't know whether or not Elrohir and Elladan would actually do that stuff, but they always seemed like pranksters to me :) **

**Please please please take the time to review! It makes me so happy! REVIEW!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N - Thank you to everyone who reviewed! You guys are the best!**

**Special kudos to Gollumgirl2003Coraline for the funny lines!**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

Hello. My name is Legolas.

You took my shampoo.

Prepare to DIE!

Hello. My name is Eowyn.

Just because I'm blonde does not mean that I am stupid! In fact, I am ten times smarter than any of you! How DARE you even THINK otherwise?!

Prepare to die!

_(to Gandalf)_

Hello. My name is Saruman.

You broke my favorite staff.

Prepare to die.

Hello. My name is Haldir.

No, I am NOT in love with Legolas! Whatever gave you that PREPOSTEROUS idea?!

Prepare to die!

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N - Please keep reviewing! It motivates me to keep going! Also, I could really use some suggestions and inspiration! PLEASE REVIEW AND GIVE ME SOME IDEAS!**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N - Hey guys! So sorry for the wait, but I got a laptop this weekend, so now I should be updating much more regularly now that I don't have to type everything from my iPod touch screen. That was pretty tough! XD But I am starting to run out of ideas for this story, so if you want more, I really need your ideas!**

**Thanks to yellowrose437, Nirette, and Gollumgirl2003 for the ideas! And thanks to everyone else who reviewed, followed, or favorited!**

**Disclaimer - I don't own anything, so don't sue me.**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

__

(to Theoden)

Hello. My name is Eowyn.

You left me behind.

Prepare to die.

Hello. My name is Elrond.

I'll have you know that my eyebrows are completely natural! They are most certainly not drawn on or any funny business like that! How _dare_ you suggest something as preposterous as that?

Prepare to DIE!

__

(to Frodo)

Hello. My name is Barliman Butterbur.

You ruined my best beds and sheets.

Prepare to die.

__

(to Merry and Pippin)

Hello. My name is Gandalf.

You ruined my fireworks show! The dragon was supposed to come last! You made it look like _I_ did that! Now they all think I'm immature! _Me_! Gandalf the White! How _dare_ you ruin my reputation like that!

PREPARE TO DIE!

****

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**A/N - Thanks for reading! Like I said, I really need some ideas for this story! And if possible, just give me a prompt, like 'from someone to someone about something'; don't write out the whole thing, because then I feel like I'm just rewriting your ideas! ;) Please review and tell me what you think!**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N - Thank you all so so so much for reviewing! Sorry, it's been awhile since I updated, but I finally decided to work out an updating schedule for all my stories. I should be updating this one every Friday and Wednesday, unless I am at a complete loss for ideas. But I can pretty much guarantee you guys every Friday. On a side note, it was funny because we were doing a bunch of grammar stuff for English last week, and my teacher was using the Inigo Montoya quote for her example on basically all of the sentence types xD I was like, 'Ha, I already know this stuff by heart, yo.' Hehehe ;) Anyways, on with the chapter!**

**And special thanks to Nirette for the idea! (Wow, you guys are really letting me down on ideas here! I'm running out of stuff to do!)**

**Disclaimer - I do not own LotR or The Princess Bride, although I would like to own Legolas. And also Aragorn.**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

_(to Merry and Pippin)_

Hello. My name is Treebeard.

You drank my water. My precious, precious water.

Prepare to be squashed underfoot.

_(to all LotR fangirls)_

Hello. We are all of the males living on Middle Earth.

We are _not_ in love with each other. We don't know where you could have possibly gotten that horrible idea.

Prepare to die. Painfully. And slowly.

_(to Galadriel)_

Hello. My name is Sauron.

You are even scarier than I am. I mean, Frodo almost gave in to you right away, but he never did that for _me_! That is an insult to my honor as a Dark Lord. If any of my orc minions hear of this, they will lose faith, and I can't have that happening. I must be THE ULTIMATE EVIL POWER ON THE FACE OF MIDDLE EARTH! NONE CAN CHALLENGE ME!  
PREPARE TO DIE!

_(to Aragorn)_

Hello. My name is Frodo.

You dragged me into a room and pointed a sword at me with your scary ranger attitude! _Of course_ I was scared! How dare you make fun of me for that?!

Prepare to die! And don't give me that incredulous look, like you don't think I can do it! _I went into the heart of Mordor and brought Sauron's tower crashing down_! I could take a measly Ranger down any day!

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N - Thank you all for reading! As I said above, I really need some ideas for this fic! In the last chapter I told you guys the format I'd like the ideas in, so if you could please do that, it would be greatly appreciated! You can really leave ideas however you want, but I would prefer that you do it in the form of a prompt, if that's not too much work! I just really need ideas!**

**Please review and tell me what you think and leave ideas! I appreciate it so much more than you can imagine! When I check my email and there are a bunch of reviews there, I do a happy dance and have an amazing day! So Please Review! Thanks!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: OHMYGOD guys I am sooo sorry! I haven't updated in forever! I sort of have an excuse though, since my gmail started sending all fanfiction stuff to spam so it didn't show up on my email, so I didn't get any reviews or anything like that, so I was like, "Oh, everyone must hate my story so I guess I just won't update" and stuff like that, but then one day I was going through fanfiction, just innocently scrolling through the recently updated stories for one of my favorite fandoms, when I saw a story that I love that had been updated that day. Now, I was all confused like, "Well, I follow that story! Why is it not showing up on my email alerts?!" but then I decided it was no biggie and just clicked on the chapter so that I could read it, since I loved the story. Now, this being a story that I love, I remembered the chapter number that I had been on a month ago when my alerts still came in. And I was TEN FREAKING CHAPTERS BEHIND! Naturally, this caused me to freak out, and I figured out what was going on with my email. But still. I know. That's no excuse for not updating. Anyways, thanks to everyone who faithfully reviewed even though I'm a lazy author. Here's the next chapter!**

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

_(to Thranduil)_

Hello. My name is Elrond.

I trusted you, but you let Gollum escape.

Prepare to die. Painfully.

_(to Saruman)_

Hello. My name is Grima.

Even after everything I did for you, all you can say is "Get back, cur?!" This partnership is so over.

Prepare to die!

_(to Legolas)_

Hello. Our names is Gollum, precious.

You have perfect luscious hair, and we wants it for ourselves.

Prepare to die!

_(to Merry and Pippin)_

Hello. My name is Treebeard.

It turns out that the pipeweed is a distant relative of mine.

Prepare to die!

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N: Well, there you have it! Again, I'm so desperately sorry for how long it took me to update. Please review and give me suggestions, or just tell me that you liked it! I really appreciate it when people tell me that they like this story or that it made them laugh! Thank you guys so much for being so awesome!**

**Review please!**


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